sailorbryant:

a-fragile-sort-of-anarchy:

Bad News: Our boss locked the keys inside the building.

Good News: We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.

Bad News: My boss finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress cute girls.

Good News: A cute girl saw me do it.

Bad News: It was Maggie, and since she’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, she’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. She knows.

There are million dollar blockbuster movies that were less entertaining than the rollercoaster this post just took me on. 

trustissued:

I can’t wait to be in love with someone who is also deepfuck in love with me and we love each other forever n ever

thaetre:

indiana jones more like fedora the explorer

dvacomalfoy:

no offence but if i die and no one uses a ouija board to keep me updated on memes i will literally haunt you all

furven:

would anyone like to idk.. treat me right

likelydestiny:

sometimes I think I’m better than everyone else but then I remember I am

justbadpuns:

My girlfriend likes to tie me to the bed and cover me in chocolate and caramel. She’s a dominatwix.

bopeep:

no offence but like smother me in affection ok

dankosaurus:

acoolsuggestion:

She sleeps a lot because her dreams are prettier than reality.

i sleep a lot because i have Depression